When
someone I meet learns that I am a Pagan and a Witch, it’s funny the questions
they ask. Usually they are earnest questions from a person who really wants to
learn, know or understand a topic which is new or mystifying to them. It’s
human curiosity of course. They are usually quite surprised by my responses.
Especially when they include the fact that I have been studying, living and
practicing since I was a young child. They typically expect the story to center
around some twenty something search for self after years of Catholic or
Christian religious oppression. Actually this isn’t the case for me. I came
upon my path fairly naturally and without much resistance from the people I
love. My path to spirituality had nothing much to do with religion. For me, the
two are not necessarily mutual.
Yes,
I was raised in the Roman Catholic faith. My mother brought us to church every
Sunday and I was baptized, made penance, communion and confirmation in the
Catholic religion. The thing was it never felt forced on me, I did what my
family did, but I also wasn’t told I couldn’t explore other things. Obviously I
did not agree with a lot of the doctrine I was taught and began to question it
all. In fact, I was raised to ask questions. I was expected to read, question
and search out answers on any subject on my own all the time. When I was five
years old, my parents had me go to synagogue with a friend who was Jewish when
I started questioning why she was taught different information in her religion.
I was encouraged to learn as much as I could about things so I could understand
and make up my own mind about what I believed, what had meaning in my life, and
so I would know that there is really not only one way to live a good life.
As a
child I spent my free time outside, playing and exploring. I developed an affinity for
being in nature. When we lived in the Bronx my favorite places were the local
park and the Bronx Zoo, where the trees and animals lived. In summer I had the
opportunity to spend a week or so in the “country” in New Jersey at my Aunt’s
house and marveled that I could hear birds singing outside the window in the
morning. Eventually, we moved to Long Island, when I was eight, and I had a
special love for the Weeping Willow tree in our back yard. It was a beautiful
tree that when in full bloom created a place to hide and commune, just her and
I. Cradled in her branches, safe and warm. Later, every Labor Day weekend at my
Father’s Union picnic located in upstate NY, I would be allowed to wander off
alone into the woods. There I would play with the sprites and spirits of that
place. They welcomed me back each year. Between them and the other children,
rides and games that were present I would come home exhausted, happy and
blackened with dirt from head to toe. It was glorious! So when at the age of
ten I started to explore, and read books about witchcraft, Wicca, other occult
topics, and other religions it really didn’t alarm anyone. I was told to read
as much as I could. Get lots of information and do what I felt was right with
it. My Mother said she always knew I was a little witch anyway.
I
read. I began with Wicca and Native American spirituality. I read Marion
Weinstein’s “Earth Magic: A Dianic Book of Shadows”, Starhawk’s “Spiral Dance”,
Margot Adler’s “Drawing Down the Moon”, Z. Budapest and of course, Scott
Cunningham along with others. In my freshman year of college I began my own
solitary practice. At the age of nineteen I formally dedicated myself as a
solitary to the Goddess and God. I spent my twenties raising babies and
bumbling down my solitary path with a few awesome mentors via post and phone
calls along the way. At twenty-five I became acquainted with the Goddess Hecate
and she taught me, supported me, and showed me my own strength for many years
afterward.
In 2009 I was in a bad
car accident. I was literally hit by a bus. Up until that point I was
floundering spiritually. I knew I was going through the motions that year and I
couldn’t figure out which way I was being pulled. I was spinning my wheels in
the mundane world and ignoring my own physical and spiritual needs. Well, that
just wouldn’t do, so to send me a serious message I was hit quite hard with a
Holy 2 x 4, only in the form of a bus. That’s when the Morrigan stepped into my
life. It took me a little while (several years actually) and a lot of research
to realize that she was the Morrigan. When I did figure it out, started
listening (you really have no choice with her, it’s listen up or you’re in for
a world of hurt until you do) and connected to her, my life took a total 180
degree change.
To me
my spirituality, my relationship with the Gods/Goddesses, my daily practice and
connection with the divine is more than just a religion. It is my way of life.
It centers me, gives me balance in a chaotic world and grounds me in what is
real, what is worthwhile in this life. My practice is eclectic. I take what
resonates with me and use it. Some other Pagans frown upon this, but I haven’t
had any Gods complain to me yet that “I’m doing it wrong”. To me religion is a
name for a set of rules and doctrine that someone else tells you how to follow
and interpret. Spirituality is following my heart, opening my mind to infinite
possibilities and doing what I feel is right. It’s accepting the bad things,
exploring the darkness of life and myself, while being grateful for the good
and the moments of light. In my opinion, being a Pagan is more than just
worshipping a bunch of different Gods at the same time. It’s more than just
following what another person has interpreted the stories to mean or how one
should practice. It is finding that place within yourself where the divine
resides, connecting with the Gods/ Goddesses, listening and looking. Most of
all acting upon what you find. The Gods suffer no fools. Sitting at home
lighting candles and meditating on something alone for hours on end isn’t going
to get things moving by itself. Like
everything else, spirituality and a relationship with the divine whether Pagan
or otherwise, requires one to act upon those beliefs. You have to put the work
into it and get the energy moving forward to see the results.
So
when I get those earnest and sometimes amusing questions about how I became a
Pagan, I smile. I really didn’t “become” a Pagan through any horrible incidence
or oppressive religious backlash. Truthfully, in my heart I know I was always
spiritual, always a little witchy. I was just born this way and with a little
love and guidance I was lucky enough to figure it out early in life.
